My parents were broken people. My father was consumed with himself, and my mom spent her energy covering the consequences of his poor choices. Yet, though dysfunctional, my dad still exuded opportunity, strength, power, and presence. To me, he was capable, and my mother was simply a servant, the object of his lust. Because she seemed like a victim, I struggled to identify with her femininity. With no model of healthy womanhood in my life, I naturally looked up to my father and wanted to be like him.

This strategy worked in my favor because my father had wanted a boy. Though he got me instead, I embraced the sporty tomboy that could relate to him. Athletically inclined, I was his boy. Because my goal was to be like him, I rejected motherhood and femininity. Playing with the boys in my neighborhood was a way to emulate what I was learning from my father. Climbing trees, playing with GI Joe toys, and identifying with the masculine were where I found my place. As a result, I was accepted among my male peers even though my status as a girl meant I couldn’t always belong. For example, I couldn’t play little league, so I once asked the coach if he’d let me participate if I cut my hair. 

 While I was confident with my male peers, I actually needed affirmation for myself as a female. I had no same-sex peers and was completely clueless about how to relate to other girls. As I watched my older sister interact with her friends, I would long for similar relationships. This deep desire for connection continued into my college years when I began to explore the possibility of being a lesbian. In those days, LGBT wasn’t typically advertised or discussed as it is today, so I hid my feelings. My sexual experiences with men in high school had already convinced me that men were predatory and untrustworthy. So, when my gay cousin introduced me to the LGBT community and took me to a gay bar, I felt as if I had found myself. All I need is to find the woman of my dreams, I thought, and all my problems will be solved. Yet, unable to find satisfaction, I was constantly chasing something I couldn’t quite grasp.

When I later moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, I started having introspective conversations with other lesbians. I realized my yearning for women began in my earliest childhood, so it was easy for me to think I was born gay. I also remembered having no female friends yet longing deeply for a female connection. This memory exposed an underlying truth: the socialization and affirmation of my femininity that I should have received as an adolescent was developmentally absent. 

Ultimately, I turned to my faith to find peace, allowing the Lord to expose the confusion and stereotypes that developed in my childhood. Through reflection and prayer, I examined my misperceptions in light of my parents’ relationship and re-evaluated my own identity. As a result, over time, I was able to embrace my femininity fully. My church community empowered me to accept myself as a woman. For the first time in my life, I felt secure in my identity and free from a lifetime of rejection.

I have been married to my husband for 34 years, and we have five children. God has used my husband to teach me how to love and trust men, but also to love and trust God. Thankfully, I have also developed appropriate, healthy connecting skills with women and move freely with them in friendship. Healing hasn’t been a walk in the park, but it has been worth it.