Diane and I went to high school together and planned on getting married. I didn’t have same-sex attractions until college, but at college, I discovered pornography and homosexuality. I was acting out, going to parks, bookstores, restrooms, and bathhouses. I didn’t know anything about homosexuality. It wasn’t talked about, and it was a shameful thing. So I hid it. Diane suspected, and before we got married, I had to tell her I had an STD that I had gotten from a man. Miraculously, she still agreed to marry me. We cried and hugged, and the wedding went on. We both went into marriage thinking it would be a cure.

We learned quickly that marriage was not a cure. We were able to be intimate, but I started living a double life and continued acting out. I put on a facade that everything was fine, but inside I was a mess. I experienced a lot of guilt and shame, but I didn’t know I was a sex addict. I felt that what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Eventually, I was committing adultery, which made things even worse.

At one of my lowest points, I was at a bathhouse, and an unattractive older man approached me. He asked me to have sex, offering to pay me $20. I refused, and he asked me to hug him for $20. I gave him a hug and told him to keep his money. But when I got home, I looked in the mirror, and I saw that old man. And I saw my future life: no wife, no children, all alone, having to pay for touch. I started to cry and got on my knees, desperate to change. Finally, I became desperate enough that I pursued change, and I started a relationship with God.

I started building healthy relationships with men for the first time in my life, and I learned a lot about being a man, husband, and father through them. I also shared about my struggle publicly at church, and everyone stood and applauded my courage. I also found out about a program that helps people with unwanted same-sex attractions, and they gave me books on the topic. Most importantly, I joined a group of married men who also struggled with homosexuality, and we all encouraged each other and shared our stories.

It is so nice not to be living the double life I did in my youth. I am authentic and let people see who I really am. I don’t have to carry the secrets and burdens anymore. 

Diane, my wife and best friend, passed away June 17th, 2023. I would not be where I am today without her encouragement and willingness to walk alongside me during the change journey I was on. Despite my mistakes and my struggle, Diane chose to stay with me through it all. She chose to forgive me. We went on the journey of healing together.