My life before I decided to pursue change was filled with depression, loss, hurt, anxiety, fear, and shame. I contemplated suicide for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. I hated wanting to sleep with men, looking at pornography and being addicted to sex and masturbation. I was a slave to those thoughts. The "feminine" thoughts also ate away at me, and I started acting out with homosexual tendencies in hopes that I wouldn't have to hide anymore that I was different. I intentionally acted out for people to notice and be faced with seeing my struggle. During my childhood and adolescence, it wasn't safe to speak of such things. I also didn't speak of the rape and molestation that occurred in my childhood, either. I did finally tell some friends while in my early 20's what had happened, but because of shame, I never told anyone at the time it was occurring. Shame silenced me for a long time. 

Even though there were many professed Christians in my life, no one introduced me to the person of Jesus to help me overcome. Going to church as I was expected to do, just felt like religion for the sake of appearances while privately trying not to sin in the rest of my life. There was no power to overcome in the religion of my youth. My focus was on my sin more than on the goodness of God. I was told, "What you are doing is an abomination, so repent," instead of being shown the Lord's lovingkindness that leads to repentance.

So I hid. I knew in my heart I wasn't supposed to hide and that God was telling me to leave my childhood environment at the age of 20. Two years later, I finally decided to either go to a new church that could help me or fully enter the gay community. It was during this time that I found God had been working in my life all along.

I pursued change because of the hopelessness that had entered my life and religion that just left me tired. I wanted something real and remember telling God, "I can't do this anymore; I need You to show up." I knew the best thing to do was obey and leave like the Lord had shown me to do. So I did and ended up in a community of believers who all had seen God powerfully change their lives. If He could do it for them, why not me?I thought. 

So at age 22, I accepted Jesus (whom I'd always wanted to know), and for the first time in my life I finally knew Him to be real. Everything changed after that moment. I finally trusted Him to lead me into freedom. I followed up with my baptism, and I haven't been the same since. I'm not a slave to homosexuality anymore. In the following years I got counseling and retained strong mentors in my life, and because of that, I have freedom like I've never known. I am growing in the ways of Jesus. At age 31, I now have deep and powerful friendships with men. They encourage me and don't condemn my past but instead are hopeful for my future. I have experienced the power of God that set me free.

Of course, this journey is still progressing, but I realized that just because I still face temptation it didn't mean I'm held by sin anymore. This process has occurred because I'm walking with other people, including friends and mentors, who understand my past and don't condemn me for it. I'm especially looking to Jesus, who faced temptation and never sinned. He is the true example for my life.

My freedom continues because I realized Jesus had broken those chains, and my responsibility was just to get up and go. For the longest time I thought the hardest part was hearing from the Holy Spirit because often I couldn't get past my own failures and mistakes to hear Him speaking to me. What was actually happening was that I was hearing from God's Spirit but didn't yet know that it was Him all along. Even today I still feel Him wooing me away from such thoughts of my failures and mistakes and encouraging me to receive His goodness. I have never before experienced this closeness I now have with the Holy Spirit. It's made life an interesting journey and an adventure with helping others hurting like I once was. Because of the Holy Spirit, I know a bit more how Harriet Tubman felt when it became not just enough to have her own freedom but to get her enslaved brothers and sisters set free, as well. It is no longer enough for me to live in this freedom without reaching out to others in my situation.  I want them to know there's help out there and a loving God that can walk them into freedom, too.

My favorite part about being a redeemed man is that I don't have to fit into the stereotypical boxed-in version of American masculinity. I found that some of those "feminine" thoughts I spoke of earlier were really the Lord speaking to me. I felt condemned by society because of these thoughts, but as it turns out, it was just social norms that condemned me, not God. He loved my more creative side. I feel more settled in my manhood and at peace with being a man.

I'm not afraid of my strength anymore as a man, either. Before, I worried I'd hurt people with my strength, and this thought locked me up for a long time. Now I use this strength to bring healing instead of hurting. I honestly enjoy being a man now just for the sake of being a man. I'm not afraid of the idea of being married or being intimate with a woman anymore, either. I realized my being a man could now complement a relationship with a woman. The camaraderie with men has changed, too, as I now know there are male activities and conversations that I can only have with other men friends who understand me. I've found this healthy camaraderie very satisfying. I feel the freedom to be a "guy" in a way I never had before. I know there is still more learning and healing on this journey, but I now have faith that I'll get there with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in my life. I haven't arrived, but I also know I'm closer to Jesus than I've ever been.

Find out more about Andrew at https://bndsrvnt.bandcamp.com/