The second of three girls, I always felt my dad had wished I was a boy. Consequently, I rejected my femininity at an early age as I tried to be the son I assumed he wanted. Like most tomboys, I preferred boyish activities and toys and even asked my friends to call me Charlie. My home life was not good, however. My parents’ relationship was very broken, creating even more insecurity in my life. Though my dad was a good provider, he was very abusive. In addition to beating my mom, he over-disciplined us. When I was eight, they divorced, and my mother remarried a man who was even more abusive than my dad had been. When that marriage ended, she married a third time, and that stepfather molested my sisters and me. With each hurt, the walls around my heart grew thicker. “I won’t be weak like my mother,” I pledged. “No man will do to me what I saw done to her.”

Searching for identity, I came out as a lesbian at age 18. With my mom’s acceptance, I plunged into the gay lifestyle for four years only to find emptiness. I drank and took drugs in an attempt to cover the pain and fill the deep void within my heart. That’s when I began to earnestly question God: What is life about? Is Jesus real? Why church? I truly wanted to know God, and amazingly, He responded to my prayers. About a month later, on Good Friday, I convinced my mom to go to church. Because we were Catholic and only went sporadically, she was surprised. When we walked in, a sad feeling enveloped me. But then, when I looked at the empty wooden cross up front, God miraculously gave me an open vision. As if a television screen dropped before my face, I could actually see Jesus dying on the cross! "I can't share this,” I thought. “Mom will think I am crazy or on drugs." In that moment, God answered all my questions from the prior month: Jesus is real! It isn't about church; He is what life is all about! We went forward to kneel before the cross, and I began to cry as God’s love washed over me. Then I heard these words: "You’ve looked everywhere else for love, but I love you and died for your sins." No one had ever told me God loved me, but suddenly, He was telling me Himself. When I walked out of that church, my life dramatically changed. Never again did I drink or do drugs, and in that moment, I knew I wasn't a lesbian anymore! Though I occasionally struggled with temptation, in my core, I knew same-sex attraction no longer defined me. Within six months to a year, my desires had completely changed.

A few years after coming to Christ, I met my husband, who also came out of homosexuality. Two very broken people, we still needed God's love and transformation in so many areas. As we journeyed into healing, we grew together in our relationship with God and each other. Today, almost 40 years later, I see myself so differently from the scared little, self-protective girl I once was. I have so much hope and fulfillment, and I see womanhood as a gift. My husband and I have four grown children, and seven grandchildren, which is such a miracle. We’ve even written a book based on the Beatitudes that helps those who need emotional healing to identify where they do not see God accurately. Just as He did for us, God wants to restore His children everywhere.

Donna & Tom Cole’s Ministry, Pure Heart Ministries: pureheart.rest