NAOMI GARDNER
“ No longer imprisoned by guilt and shame, I can confidently say that the Lord is truly my deliverer, savior, and loving father. ”
My twin sister and I were conceived through rape when my mother was still a teenager. Surrounded by believers in my mom’s family and our neighborhood, we were raised in church, so there was never a time I didn’t know about God. As a child, the girls in my family (I also have two younger sisters) often played doctor. I had no idea that what we were doing was wrong. I’d convinced myself it was just child’s play. Yet as I grew older, I developed a sense of shame for the way we acted out. When I was raped as a preteen by a family member, the enemy used that shame to convince me that the assault was payback for my sin. Feeling worthless, I turned completely away from God in my teen years and fell into porn and masturbation. Confident that I could do what I wanted with “my body,” I labeled myself as bisexual and began to hook up with girls online. It’s worth noting that my twin, who’d also been raped by the same man, had already come out as bisexual. Together we fantasized about relationships with women, and even dreamed of our future “same sex” families. Deep down, I had a nagging feeling that the life we were pursuing wasn’t right. But it didn’t matter. I was determined to “do me.” Besides, I reasoned, I’d done too much to be redeemed. Not fully content with my relationships with women, I got into some bad relationships with guys during this time, and at one point I was sexually harassed by one of the men I was dating. That particular episode left me hurt, confused, and feeling hopeless. “What would my family think of all I’ve done?” I wondered. “Would they love me if they knew?” Convinced I wouldn’t be missed, I planned to end my life. But praise God, my plans did not succeed.
The suicide attempt was the beginning of the turning point in my life. In the summer of 2020, I noticed that my twin sister had begun to talk about God again. In fact, she had been born again. At first, I didn’t want to listen because her “God talk” only made me feel like a failure. I assumed I was too corrupt and unforgivable. But she began to pray for me anyway. One night as I was watching videos on YouTube, I ran across a clip of a woman’s testimony. I still clearly remember the words that pierced my heart: “You’re never too far from God. He wants you. He loves you. All you need to do is repent.” When I heard those words, I felt the Holy Spirit’s presence in the room. I dropped to my knees and began confessing EVERYTHING to the Lord. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. I was instantly delivered from all my lustful desires for women. The desire to masturbate was gone! The cursing was gone! The next day I began my apology tour. I sought forgiveness from the people I had wronged, and received grace and love from my twin sister and my mom. Since then, the Lord has continued to speak to me through the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and other people. He even speaks in my dreams. Along with using Bible reading plans through the YouVersion app, books such as Discover Your True Self by Chip Ingraham and Your New Name by Esther Fleece Allen have been very helpful in my journey. No longer imprisoned by guilt and shame, I can confidently say that the Lord is truly my deliverer, savior, and loving father.