Cecil Jackman
“As I experienced more emotional healing and grew in confidence as a man, my sexual attraction to men decreased.”
Growing up in my household was difficult. From the outside we looked like a normal family, but inside we were a dysfunctional mess. Because my father was physically and verbally abusive, I didn’t bond well with him, and our connection suffered. Then at age four, I was molested by a female babysitter while taking a bath. “Was it because I was a boy?” I thought. After that experience, I would hide my body parts during bath time to make myself look like a girl.
My longing to be a girl lasted until puberty, when one of my cousins taught me how to masturbate. Though my desires to be a girl were now quenched, my embrace of my gender didn’t stop me from being teased. My father called me a homosexual and a sissy, often ridiculing me for my interests in the arts and my poor athletic abilities. In school, the bullying continued, and I was called a homosexual by both my peers and a teacher. My confusion surrounding my masculinity was further exacerbated in 8th grade, when I was fondled by my male band teacher. Because I craved male affirmation, his attention fed my need for affection but also felt humiliating. Those feelings, among others, led to an unsuccessful suicide attempt. As a result, I began to pray and ask God to do whatever it took to stop others from making fun of me.
As if my prayer had been answered, the teasing stopped when I entered high school, but I was still not accepted by my peers. Because I wasn’t into sports, I was often chosen last, if at all, to participate in team activities. In 10th grade, I engaged in oral sex with a football player. His attention toward me met my need for male affection. To say that by the time I entered college I was struggling with my identity would be an understatement! Driven by my insecurities, I quickly became addicted to gay porn and masturbation. Increasingly frustrated with my feelings, I reached out to one of my gay cousins. He introduced me to the gay bar scene, where I proceeded to engage sexually with men, but I didn’t want that life and feared its impact on my faith. That’s when I cried out to God, and my life began to change. I sought to revitalize my religious life because I didn’t want a life separate from Christian moral values and biblical faith. Through prayer and mentoring, I sought emotional healing from the bullying and abuse in my childhood that affected my sense of sexual identity. As I experienced more emotional healing and grew in confidence as a man, my sexual attraction to men decreased.
As I began to peel back the layers of my history, I realized the sexual abuse I experienced as a little boy from my babysitter created a deep fear of women. Other than my mother, sister, and grandmother, women weren’t safe, and fear at the thought of touching or being intimate with a woman had tormented me. Likewise, the ridicule and lack of connection with my father as a young boy created a deep void of affirmation and acceptance as a man. Both of these experiences shaped my understanding of men and women, ultimately skewing the perception I had of myself. My faith gave me the courage to confront these issues so I could reframe how I felt about myself and my significance among other people.
My walk into wholeness has been slow but life-giving. Along the way, I have chosen to align my understanding of manhood to biblical principles, and I think of God as a loving and trustworthy father. This perception of God has changed my life and guided my choices. Today, my wife and I have two daughters and a son. I no longer struggle with same-sex attraction.