Daniel Mingo
“Sexual abuse as an adolescent and exposure to pornography as a teenager birthed unwanted feelings of same-sex attraction.”
The second of seven children, I never developed a good relationship with my father. He was into sports, and I was drawn to creative, artistic, and musical outlets. Though I tried, my athletic abilities fell short, and my peers made sure to capitalize on my weaknesses. I was ridiculed by both the neighborhood kids and my own father for not fitting in with my peers. Once I began to attend public school, fitting in was even more challenging. Finding it hard to connect with other boys because of my interest in the arts, I found that most of my friends were girls.
One day at age 13, after school dance lessons, I decided to take the city bus home. Only taking me so far, I was dropped off to walk the last mile home. Tired from my extended day at school, I gladly hopped in the car with a man who offered to give me a ride. He proceeded to put his hand on my leg and, to my horror, put his hands inside my pants. Fearing what might happen next, I found myself dumbfounded and unable to speak. Though I hadn’t yet had the “sex talk” with my dad, I knew in my gut this shouldn’t be happening. I was further shocked and horrified when he took my hand and forced me to touch him as he exposed himself. Coming to my senses, I jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way home. But my thoughts were also racing: How crazy is this? I can’t tell anyone about this. I’ll get in trouble for hitchhiking!
For years the secret festered in my heart, and to cope with the memory, I played the blame game, pointing at myself, God, and even my own dad because he was absent that day. Oddly enough, I didn’t blame the perpetrator because, as strange as it sounds, his noticing me actually satisfied a need for attention. Because I was growing up with an ever-increasing fear that no one loved or cared for me, this memory left me feeling further isolated and ashamed. As if on cue, some friends in my neighborhood then introduced me to pornography. Both the sexual abuse as an adolescent and the exposure to pornography as a teenager birthed unwanted feelings of same-sex attractions as I entered adulthood. I never wanted a gay identity.
When I had a religious experience at age seventeen, I expected my life issues and painful past to be resolved in the blink of an eye, but nothing changed. So I reluctantly embraced life as a gay man, while constantly seeking a way out. I married and had children hoping that a wife and family would finally release me from my secret bondage. Sadly, I was unfaithful to my wife and absent from my family as my desires compelled me, and my untold secrets slowly crushed me.
When my internal and external worlds became unbearably hard to manage, I turned to Christian faith and was met with the acceptance and fatherly love for which I’d been searching. What was once a heavy burden was replaced with peace, and I felt empowered to come out of hiding. I confessed my infidelity and secret life to my wife. Slowly but surely, our marriage was repaired through consistent honesty, ongoing confession, and trust. My faith gave me courage to confront the wounds of my past. Despite great pain, I discovered a way forward that invited reflection on the traumas from my youth. I needed to revisit all the ways life had twisted my sense of identity. Eventually, I built relationships with men that redeemed the distorted ways I understood myself and brought healing to the traumas of molestation and perceived abandonment.
That moment with the man in his car “stole” part of my masculinity. The older I got, the more of myself I gave away to other men out of insecurity and confusion. Pride kept me isolated and in fear, but I know now, I am acceptable and loveable exactly as I am. I thrive when I’m living honestly and authentically in fellowship with others. Today, I have been married for 39 years, and am a father to my 3 sons. As I have embraced and loved myself as a man, a husband, and father, same-sex feelings have diminished. I feel fulfilled and whole, and my former sexual desires no longer dominate my life.