Wayne Blakely
“None of the psychologists, pastors, and teachers who tried to help me knew how to address the impact of my broken family on my sexual identity.”
My mother had always hoped for a girl, so when I was born, her disappointment was tangible. She probably would have jumped at the opportunity if allowed to leave the hospital without me. My father wasn’t present to protect me in my early years because he was on assignment in the military. Unfortunately, in his absence, my mother began to physically abuse me when I was just a small child. Unable to bond with her safely and appropriately, I developed disruptive and disturbing behaviors and was eventually removed from her care. Passed around to aunts and uncles, I experienced varying degrees of instability and rejection that affected the formation of my identity. At three years old, I remember running around the house screaming, “I don’t want to be a boy!” Grabbing scarves and heels and playing with dolls, I began to over-identify with the feminine.
Thankfully, my aunt and uncle permanently adopted me, but by the time I entered Christian school, I was often harassed and bullied. For 12 years, I was ridiculed for the myriad of behaviors I exhibited at school. None of the many psychologists, pastors, and teachers who tried to help me knew what to do or how to address the impact of my broken family on my identity. Nor did I know how to communicate my needs. I had a single appointment with a licensed counselor, for example, and all he did was encourage me to participate in masculine sports. As a result, the rejection I experienced from my male peers made me long for relationships with men by the time I entered high school. I felt starved for male attention, so any boy who showed interest in me initiated strong feelings, and I would over-sexualize the relationship.
During this time, I became friends with two boys with whom I would go camping on the weekends. Through them, I learned about masturbation, and we regularly engaged sexually with each other. Eventually, they decided they preferred to be with girls, but this mutual sexual exploration impacted my sense of sexuality, confirming my attraction and sexualization of guys.
As I began engaging in same-sex promiscuity, I realized that what I had been feeling and experiencing all my life was finally expressed through relationships with men. The LGBT community welcomed me unlike anyone ever had. Up to that point, I had been ridiculed and rejected all my life, and so I never formed lasting and trustworthy friendships with men. Yet, entering the gay community provided an opportunity for belonging. Jumping from relationship to relationship, I sought stability and intimacy. I also used every drug possible, throwing away all my standards for morality and self-dignity. But over time, the road of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll grew harder to walk down.
Because I was living in a way that I believed didn’t honor God, I began to question the point of life. Where will this end? I wondered. Eventually, I turned to my faith, hoping for a new way forward. Though I didn’t know what would ultimately happen, I trusted God to somehow bring me wholeness. And he did. Through years of devotion to him, I began to understand my childhood trauma and its implications for my life and identity. In turn, these revelations have enabled me to support others who have walked a similar path. I love to share the wholeness that is found in Jesus. My faith defines my identity, not my temptations and desires. While I still experience same-sex attraction, I will never trade the peace I have. I live a fulfilling and joyful life.