LAUREN HART
“I found resources online that were really encouraging to me in my process. Today, I have a greater sense of wholeness and inner stability than I’ve ever felt before. ”
When I was living a lesbian lifestyle, I had a lot of inner conflict that I didn’t know what to do with. I thought things like, I can’t fully give my life to this. However, I couldn’t remember feeling as loved or accepted until I met my girlfriend. I had a lot of differing outside opinions. Some people said living as a lesbian suited me, while other people said it didn’t make sense for me. And in many ways it seemed to fit—I did not have nearly as many emotional struggles or insecurities being with women as I had with men.
As a Christian, I wrestled a lot with what my faith meant for my lifestyle. I was experiencing a form of love and comfort, but I still felt like I was compromising on something I could have that would be much greater. I would have considered myself a Q in the LGBTQ. From experiencing severe verbal and physical bullying from young boys, along with sexual assault from a man in my teens, feeling comfortable around men was a challenge.
I had a mentor I would go to, to sort out what I was feeling. I remember sitting with her one day, talking about my inner conflict. She said to me, “I’m going to love you no matter what you pick.” In that moment, I felt this space of love to truly search this out instead of feeling backed into a corner either way.
I also found resources online that were really encouraging to me in my process. I searched for any story of anyone who had ever come out of homosexuality. I even heard about a heterosexual couple who had both been gay before they got married. I remember being shocked. I finally felt hope. I wanted to know that it was possible, that I didn’t have to choose a lesbian lifestyle, and that it didn’t have to define me.
Today, I have a greater sense of wholeness and inner stability than I’ve ever felt before. The type of love that I get to receive now is a wholesome love that just keeps giving. It doesn’t give so it can take. It gives because it doesn’t run out.