HAYDEE IRVING
“I love being a woman, a wife, and a mother. Once full of fear, I am now truly free.”
Our family dynamic was rocked when I was sexually abused around age 6 or 7 by a close family member
who moved into our home. Unable to appropriately deal with the trauma of my abuse, my parents split
(one of many times during my youth that they separated) and walked away from their faith. Filled with
confusion, I couldn’t understand why God would allow such devastation. As a result, I began to hate God.
As I pulled away from Him, I felt increasingly lost and began to struggle with trust and identity issues.
I first began to notice an attraction to girls around age 10 before I’d ever learned anything about
lesbianism. But when a friend confided in me that she had similar feelings, I felt seen. The seed that was
planted by my friend began to grow, and at age 13, I came out as gay. Tormented by anxiety and anger, I
was increasingly insecure in my developing body, and even wondered for a time if I might be a boy. I tried
to escape my pain and chaotic home life by turning to alcohol and drugs to fill the bottomless void in my
heart. But even while I was wandering far from God, he was still pursuing me.
Eventually, I began a relationship with a Christian girl who would randomly talk about Jesus.
These conversations made me very uncomfortable because I knew homosexuality was inconsistent with
Christianity, and deep down, I was fearful of her leaving me. Then one day her sister, who had recently
given her life to Christ, invited us to church. Soon after, my girlfriend mentioned an event called ”Love
Broke the Chain” during which people shared their stories of leaving the lifestyle. “Why would she
mention this if she’s with me?” I thought. In my mind, we were committed to each other and the lifestyle.
However, just to prove the message wrong, I decided to join her at the event. To my amazement,
everyone there was welcoming and full of love. What’s more, I could find no fault with the message. I
continued to attend these events with my girlfriend until I became convinced that the way we were living
was wrong. Eventually, I asked her if our relationship was affecting her relationship with God, and she
broke down and said, “yes.” In that moment I made the decision to stop pursuing the relationship and to
follow God.
After the breakup, I assumed God desired for me to be straight, and, as a result, I made a few
mistakes trying to “fix myself.” In 2015, after two failed relationships with guys who were unbelievers, I
completely hit rock bottom. At that point, the leader of “Love Broke the Chains” counseled me and helped
me realize that God wasn’t trying to make me straight. Rather, He was trying to make me whole in Him.
As that truth sunk in, I repented and I decided to give Him my full “yes.” Within months, I was baptized and
filled with the Holy Spirit. Fully surrendered to Christ, I asked Him to heal me. And He did!
Today, I walk in wholeness. I have forgiven my abuser, and I pray for his salvation. God also
delivered me from a pornography addiction, masturbation, lust, lying, drugs, and alcohol--everything I once
used for comfort. He’s blessed me with a loving husband and four wonderful children. Together we love
traveling and spreading the good news. I also disciple people online and share my testimony whenever
the door opens. I love being a woman, a wife, and a mother. Once full of fear, I am now truly free.