JEANNETTE LEUTY
“Christians were the people who loved me wholeheartedly and ultimately helped free me from the pain I had carried in my heart. They responded to my vulnerability with tenderness.”
A tomboy growing up, I loved to be outside, play sports, and build things. In junior high, I clearly remember the boy-crazy girls putting on makeup and fixing their hair; I wanted nothing to do with those girly things. Though I recognized I was a biological girl, I felt like a misfit who couldn’t fully relate to either gender. Never attracted to men, I first noticed feelings of same-sex attraction (SSA) around age 13. But because I didn’t like these feelings, I never "came out" to my family and didn't fully adopt a gay identity until I was about 20 years old.
As my SSA increased, I experienced a huge conflict between my feelings and my faith. Having been raised in a Christian home, I wanted to be obedient to the Lord. But I harbored so much shame and guilt and had no friends in whom I could confide. Afraid of further rejection, I kept all of my emotions bottled up. Battling suicidal feelings, I would often cry myself to sleep. I also turned to masturbation. When I was introduced to the LGBTQ community, however, I felt accepted and welcomed. Finally, I thought, I belong. Though all of my friends were lesbians, I didn't enter a same-sex relationship until my mid-twenties. Shortly thereafter, I began to recognize the brokenness in others as well as myself. There was always a hunger for more: more love, more acceptance, more intimacy, more inclusion. It felt as if we were overcompensating for what was lacking. Life began to feel hopeless. I had a longing in my heart to draw closer to God, but not knowing that he was the fulfillment of all that was lacking I sought comfort in other women. Eventually, however, I began to feel stuck in my current relationship. The Lord began wooing my heart, yet I was afraid to give up the friendship, love, and companionship I so desperately needed. But the Lord did not give up on me.
I was working as a firefighter when one day our engine was dispatched to check on a fire that had been put out the day before. I was riding in the back with another firefighter when we collided with a logging truck. As if in slow motion, the engine tumbled up and over and caught fire. Gripped with fear, I cried out to the Lord asking for forgiveness for my sins. After the incident, I began to reevaluate my life. I knew it was ridiculous to think I could keep living for myself and expect God’s blessing. I knew I needed the Lord, and I knew I needed to end my same-sex relationship. Though it took me a while to leave the relationship, when I did, I zealously pursued the Lord.
I sought out passages in the Bible to ease my wounded heart; I found different resources online, got connected with a Bible study, started attending a prayer group and church. For a long time, the church had been where I felt most rejected and ashamed. Christians seemed to have the biggest problem with how I lived my life. Yet, unbelievably, the church became the place where most of my emotional healing happened. Christians were the people who loved me wholeheartedly and ultimately helped free me from the pain I had carried in my heart. They responded to my vulnerability with tenderness.
God continues to bring people into my life who are willing to walk the journey with me and give me the space I need to authentically and truthfully share my heart and my life. Leaving LGBTQ and embracing myself as a woman has caused me to feel healthier and more fulfilled than ever before.