LINDA SEILER
“I eventually broke off that relationship, realizing my fantasy of being a man who slept with women would never fill the deep void in my soul.”
From my earliest memory, I wanted to be a boy instead of a girl. Somehow, I just knew that if I had male genitalia, my life would be complete. As a child, I prayed repeatedly for God to make me into a boy and became obsessed with my pursuit. However, I never told my family. Though I was a tomboy growing up, no one ever knew the depth of my struggles. It was my little secret that I kept for decades. Around fourth grade, I heard about “gender transition” surgeries and vowed I would have the operation as soon as I was old enough and had the money. About the same time, some playmates introduced me to pornography, which developed into sexual addictions that would span the next 20+ years. Unbeknownst to my parents, I would spend hours alone in my room feeding my sexual fantasies, always visualizing myself as the male counterpart rather than the female.
In junior high, when all the other girls were interested in makeup and boys, I found myself attracted to women—especially older teachers who were strong yet nurturing. I desperately wanted to be held and comforted by a woman, which then progressed into sexual fantasies. Around seventh grade, I started to consider the logistical difficulties of having surgery to look like a man. Where would I get the money? How would I tell my family? You can’t just be Linda one day and David the next. I considered running away as soon as I reached adulthood to have the surgery without ever telling my family, but I loved my family, and I didn’t want to live without them. At that point, I made a conscious decision to try and conform to society’s expectation of me to look more like a girl to fit in. But inside, I still longed deeply to be a man.
I committed my life to Jesus during my junior year in high school, but within days, I began doubting my salvation experience because my struggles didn’t go away like I thought they would. Yet, I knew Jesus had done something in my heart, and I wanted to follow Him. I got involved with my church youth group and, for the first time in my life, felt like I had friends who loved me. But the more I tried to conform to being a girl, the more I wanted to be a boy. When I wore dresses on special occasions, for instance, I always felt like I was dressing in drag.
During college, I continued living a double life, participating in campus ministries but still silently struggling with confusion about my sex and with homosexuality. Then, when I was a senior, I confessed to my campus pastor the secret I had kept for 21 years. Before talking to him, I seriously considered suicide as a way out, but I knew that would devastate my family, and I couldn’t do that to them. I expected my pastor to react with shock, horror, or condemnation. But instead, he responded to me in love, assuring me he was committed to finding me the help I needed. For the first time, I discovered that being completely transparent with another person was very healing. That day in 1994 was the first step in what would be my 11-year journey to freedom.
The next decade was full of ups and downs as I sought healing by reading books, listening to teachings, and meeting with multiple counselors, even those from ex-gay ministries. It was a slow process, as there were not many resources at that time to help women struggling with issues like mine. However, because I thirsted so deeply for nurture, I seemed to get worse before I got better. I ended up in a sexual relationship with another woman from my church. Realizing my fantasy of being a man who slept with women would never fill the deep void in my soul, I eventually ended our relationship.
As I continued to pursue healing, the Lord put a spiritual mentor in my life who was only a few years older than me but spiritually much more mature. I was deeply attracted to her, yet my struggles didn’t faze her, and she began to invest in me relationally in a wholesome way. I found myself wanting to be just like her (much like a daughter might want to emulate her mother). She helped me buy more feminine clothes and gave me advice concerning makeup and mannerisms. Yet, though my outward appearance began to change inwardly, I still believed the lie that it was better to be a man.
Then, in the fall of 2005, the Lord led me to meet with an inner healing prayer counselor. Over the course of a week, we spent hours praying through a lifetime of deep emotional wounds that were at the root of my issues. I forgave those who hurt me, let go of bitterness, renounced inner vows, and repented for my wrong responses toward those who had wounded me. I embraced the cross, and we closed every spiritual door I had opened to give the enemy grounds to influence my life. I wept as the Lord spoke graciously to me; it was as if I could literally feel His hands holding my heart. After that powerful encounter with God, I had a newfound contentment in being a woman and was miraculously set free from my sexual addictions. As I continued to walk out my healing, I eventually started experiencing genuine attraction toward men. It was as if I was going through delayed puberty in my mid-30s, which was both awkward and thrilling. God had transformed me from the inside out and accomplished the impossible. I still feel like I’m living a dream.
I’m grateful for all the pastors, counselors, faithful friends, and especially my supportive parents who walked with me during the healing process. The 11-year journey toward transformation was totally worth it. The length of the journey itself has given me empathy for those who are currently struggling to break free from similar issues and sometimes feel hopeless. Healing from sexual brokenness is rarely instantaneous—it’s often more like peeling back layers of an onion one at a time—but if we hold fast to the truth of God’s Word and determine never to give up, we will experience transformation to the point that the sin that once characterized our lives ceases to dominate us. God promised: Such were some of you. (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11)