SEAN SWART
“ As I surrendered my false identities, addictions, and insistence on self-
rule, God began a gradual work of true transformation in my life—through repentance, obedience, community, and perseverance.”
From as early as I can remember, I sensed that I was different. Though I did not see myself as
female, I also did not feel like I fit the masculine stereotypes reflected by society. This sense of
being “other” produced deep shame and insecurity. I learned early to hide parts of myself,
believing that something about me was fundamentally wrong. I longed for acceptance, especially
from my father, yet I felt he saw me as inadequate and disappointing. My tumultuous family life
(Mom was an alcoholic and Dad was intimidating and aggressive) only reinforced the belief that
I did not belong.
As I grew older, these unresolved wounds shaped my understanding of myself and my desires. I
struggled socially, gravitating toward female friendships while feeling rejected by male peers.
Exposure to pornography at age 14 intensified my confusion and began shaping a compulsive
inner world that thrived on secrecy. By my teen years, I had embraced a double life—outwardly
functioning but inwardly enslaved to sexual fantasy and shame. Although I had heard the Gospel
in my youth and accepted Jesus at 16, fear and secrecy prevented healing or growth. When I
eventually came out as gay, I believed I had finally found the explanation for my brokenness. I
concluded that I was a man attracted to other men and that intimacy with men was essential to
my sense of being alive and whole.
However, coming out did not bring freedom. Instead, it deepened my fragmentation. I entered
relationships that I hoped would provide stability, yet my addiction to sex, pornography, and
eventually drugs sabotaged every attempt at genuine intimacy. Promiscuity and substance abuse
consumed my life, alienating me from family, friends, and any sense of purpose. My anger
grew—toward myself, toward others, and ultimately toward God. Bitter and rebellious, I rejected
my Christian faith, even embracing Satanism. Years of addiction, immorality, and illness stripped
away everything healthy in my life until I was left physically and spiritually ruined. With HIV
progressing to AIDS, my body and mind deteriorated, and by age 35, death seemed inevitable.
At my lowest point, homeless and abandoned, I was preparing to die in a frail care facility. Yet
the Holy Spirit interrupted my story. Given the option to return to a familiar shelter, I chose it,
expecting nothing more than a slightly less lonely end. Instead, I encountered the Gospel
presented without fear or condemnation. Though doubtful, I asked for forgiveness. Days later, an
unmistakable assurance rose within me: In my heart I clearly heard the Holy Spirit miraculously
welcoming me back. That moment marked a turning point where faith was restored, and my life
was reclaimed by grace. As I surrendered my false identities, addictions, and insistence on self-
rule, God began a gradual work of true transformation in my life—through repentance,
obedience, community, and perseverance.
Today, my life is rooted in truth and peace. I am no longer enslaved to addiction or the lie that
fulfillment requires sexual excess or illicit intimacy. With the help of community, God’s word,
Christian counselors, writers, and podcasters, I have experienced healing beyond what I thought
possible and have lived in sustained sobriety and stability. The Conquer Series for men has
provided a band of brothers with whom to walk out my sexual sanctification. I have even had the
privilege of fostering a son, something I once believed to be unimaginable. While temptation and
unresolved wounds remain, they no longer define me. I understand my masculinity more
clearly—not as performance or dominance, but as belonging and responsibility, with an identity
secured in Christ.