TOM COLE
“[An older man] lavished attention on me, and I loved it. But after a few times together, he seemed to lose interest in me. I found it difficult to enter into a long-term relationship with other men.”
I was the third son in a family of six children. My parents had been hoping for a girl. From the time I was very young, my mother told me that, if I had been a girl, my name would have been Debbie, and this influenced how I thought of myself. My lack of interest in contact sports alienated me from the other boys in the neighborhood. When we lined up to pick teams, I would be chosen last and it was not uncommon for someone to remark, "Oh no, we got stuck with Cole. He's a sissy." I was frequently called names like fag, queer or sissy.
I had no friends who were boys. Then an older boy in the neighborhood began to show me attention. I was elated! But one day when we were playing in his backyard, he led me into his tent. As he sexually molested me, I felt fear, revulsion, and the need to get away. At about age 12, I began to experiment sexually with other boys in the neighborhood. One neighbor and I began an eleven-year physical relationship.
In college, I majored in music and drama. I joined a vocal jazz ensemble and met a male singer who was "out of the closet" with homosexuality. One day I asked if he would take me to a gay bar, and he readily agreed. I felt fear and excitement as I anticipated the experience. I was 19 years old, but most people thought I looked 14 or 15. When we entered the bar, I noticed that many of the men were staring at me. I felt like an animal on display in the zoo. But I also loved the attention. I met an older man and we planned a date for the following week. He lavished attention on me, and I loved it. But after a few times together, he seemed to lose interest in me. I found it difficult to enter into a long-term relationship with other men.
Soon after, I met a woman at work named Rosie who constantly talked about a personal relationship with Jesus. One night she said, "My husband and I are praying for you." I was shocked. "You pray for me?" I asked. "Yes," she said. "We pray for you every night." As she was leaving, she added, "Tom, I want you to know something else. I love you." Something broke inside; the love of God reached out through Rosie and touched my heart. I hid my head under a counter, pretending to clean, while I wept. I went to church with Rosie and her family the next Sunday and gave my life to Christ!
I began telling people of my life before Christ and asking for their prayers. I felt freedom through being transparent and real about my struggles. Then I met Donna, a former lesbian, at a prayer meeting and we began a prayer partnership. After two years of studying the Bible and praying together, I knew my feelings for her were more than friendship. Soon Donna and I were dating. Two months later, we were married. Our first year of marriage was torture as my insecurities poured out. But I persevered through the trials and temptations and continued to work through my deep-seated issues. Slowly, but surely, I found freedom! Today, we travel the world sharing the hope that lies in Jesus Christ. When we’re at home, we get to love on our wonderful children and grandchildren.
Tom and Donna Cole’s Ministry, Pure Heart Ministries: pureheart.rest