AMANDA SMITH
“It’s not about religion telling me what to do; it’s something that’s coming from the inside out.”
I used to be a serial dater. I identified as a lesbian, and I had one relationship after another. Plus, I had problems with addictions to drugs and alcohol, and I was violent and angry.
When I came to faith in Christ, I no longer wanted to feel same-sex attraction. Of course, many people said I shouldn’t have those attractions because of what the Bible says about homosexuality, and I agreed with them. I didn’t feel like I should have those attractions to other women, either. I certainly didn’t want them.
So I found myself isolating from Christian women, and it caused me a lot of depression and anxiety. I didn’t feel free in my relationships, and I was falling into an emotionally dependent relationship with any female I got close to. It went beyond sexual attraction; the pull I felt towards women had a lot to do with my desire for closeness emotionally.
When feelings of isolation and depression became severe, I reached out to a lady who worked at a ministry and had left a lesbian lifestyle herself. She walked with me through my process for a couple of years and her story gave me hope.
Later, I found another ministry that helps people deal with attractions that they don’t want. I went through three of their paid programs, and they were extremely helpful for me. They equipped me with a handful of books with stories of people with same-sex attractions and how they dealt with them. Those stories touched me because they showed me I wasn’t alone and gave me practical ideas for how to handle my attractions.
Counseling was also really important for me because it helped me with the battle in my mind. I had a lot of unhealthy thought patterns about who I am specifically as a woman. I was constantly comparing myself and creating paralyzing insecurities. Therapy helped me learn how to get rid of those thoughts.
Today, I'm a single woman. I don't want to be single, and I hope one day that a guy will come along. And I don't have to be concerned about being around women. In the past I couldn't see the good in another woman without latching on to her or diminishing who I was as a woman. But now, I have deeper relationships with women and am secure in myself.
“My heart’s coming alive in a new way.”
I used to dress like a man and talk like a man. And it's funny because now I actually desire to be feminine in ways that I never had before, and I love it. My heart's coming alive in a new way. It’s not about a religion telling me what to do, it’s something that's coming from the inside out. I feel like God is changing me on the inside, and it's being shown on the outside.