HILARY EIRICH
“We read books that helped us gain perspective on our sexuality. Today, I feel more peace within myself than I ever have in my whole life.”
I’m a girl, but my whole life I wanted to be a boy. I felt very confused and never felt like I knew who I was. I started using alcohol to help me cope with life, and I was coping in other unhealthy ways, as well.
At one point, I emotionally fell in love with a woman. It was an infatuation, really. It never felt right to me, I was never happy, and I continually had nightmares while I was with her. I had started down this path with her, but I knew I didn’t want to fully go down that path. Deep down, I believed that I was created to be a female, who wasn’t designed to love another female.
I was also depressed, I had no peace, and I had a ton of anxiety. I felt like I was a prisoner of my own emotions. I was miserable, and I wanted to die. But I didn’t know how to deal with any of it.
I eventually decided to stop drinking and partying, and I started seeing a counselor. We were just exploring what was going on, and for the first time, I realized that my confusion about my sexuality was causing all of my acting out even though I had been denying it.
After that, I reached out to a friend who had gone through this process of pursuing sexual wholeness, and she helped me process my next steps. Then my counselor found a faith-based group specifically for people who struggle with their sexuality, and I attended their 30-week program. We read books that helped us gain perspective on our sexuality and tools for dealing with unwanted sexual attractions. The safety of the group gave me the ability to talk freely about it and not feel alone or isolated in my experiences. I drove three hours each way to attend this group every time it met, and it was extremely worthwhile for me because I was feeling free for the first time in my life.
“I was feeling free for the first time in my life.”
Today, I can truthfully say that I love being a girl. I’m no longer controlled by my sexual desires. I’m newly dating a guy, and I feel more peace within myself than I ever have in my whole life.