CARL PETHER
“In front of a holy God, I knew I had to make a choice about everything I’d actually come to identify myself as. It wasn’t just something I did anymore—this was me. How was I going to bring it into the light?”
I was a youth pastor until age 25, I got caught looking at porn and for the next 15 years I struggled with same sex attraction and lived a promiscuous gay lifestyle. Now I’m totally in love with Jesus again. Here’s my story.
After getting caught I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling with same sex attraction and I ended up running from any help the church was offering me. Then watching a show about gay men I started to think of myself as gay as well, which I hadn’t before, although I did have attractions to both sexes. I always had, but I’d suppressed those thoughts as I wanted to be holy and pure but I didn’t know how.
I became a Christian at 19 and quickly went on mission and was leading people. I thought focus on Jesus, go to Bible college, go into ministry, and it will all sort itself out. I buried it instead of bringing it into the light.
The world of thinking of myself as gay was so appealing, I started to go into gay bars, where men were chatting me up. But I still didn’t know if I found them that attractive. What I did find at a bar was a mobile app and started meeting men for sex off that app instead, this would be a pattern for a few years, all the while I was playing the guitar at my church.
I dated some men and was even proposed to by one of them but I told him marriage was between a man and a woman and gave him the scripture references to prove that which he took that as a no.
It was when my mum died from a sudden heart attack, that things changed. As sudden as her death was is how suddenly God became real in my life again. In the pain of the loss of someone I loved so much, God was suddenly loving me and sending me visions of my mum in heaven. For someone in sin, this was really scary. Not long after I started a new job working alongside Christian people, I found myself becoming jealous of that quality I’d been longing for all those years ago, purity and holiness. It fascinated me, whether it was seeing Jesus in them, or just the idea that “if they can be holy, then maybe I can too,” it was more attractive than anything physical.
I got an invite to a men’s meeting and noticed the same holiness in these men, it’s then I knew I wanted to be a Christian again. But what about the lifestyle I was living--the double life? When God had started to become real to me again, a part of me had felt some trepidation. In front of a holy God, I knew I had to make a choice about everything I’d actually come to identify myself as. It wasn’t just something I did anymore--this was me. How was I going to bring it into the light?
When I began to confess my faith again I would be free for a while, and then mid-week I’d get lonely and find an old friend or a new one and be back to the lifestyle. But then I’d go to church, and God’s love would be obvious to me again. I’d started looking for help online, in books and in other ways. I must have read every book about being gay and Christian. I knew I had to stop what I was doing. I even made myself accountable by telling my pastor. But I felt like I couldn’t get completely free.
God now was very real to me, and every time I went to church, I’d cry from the feeling of love I’d get. It took over three years to fully surrender to the reality that I could not be gay and be a Christian, because God was jealous for me. Finally something just broke in me and I was set free. I broke off all relationships, all ways of looking at porn, and chatting online. I also started giving my testimony of my release from the gay lifestyle. This helps me stay accountable. I’ve brought it into the light and I can’t go back. But why would I go back? Every day I feel more of God’s love for me.