SUSETTE MALLOY
“I cried out, asking for forgiveness and a silencing of tormenting dreams. This is the moment things started to drastically change. I awoke to the reality that I’m female, always have been and always will be, a woman designed to love a man.”
In my early teens, I started believing that I was bisexual and that I wasn’t in the right body. These thoughts shifted how I dressed and acted. I wanted so badly to simply be loved, and since I was ignored by the boys in school, I sought out love from girls. I had off and on relationships with girls and guys, eventually in high school deciding to give guys a chance. However, none of these relationships were satisfying.
When my boyfriend and I broke up as high school ended, I rekindled a relationship with a former girlfriend whom I thought was the love of my life. She made me feel loved and beautiful—all the things I thought a relationship should do. However, after dating for six years, I started identifying as transgender with all the feelings about being out of place in this body. When she eventually broke up with me, I went back to self-harm, feeling distraught and sick, and that God had given up on me.
But He had not given up on me; He had plans. As I spiraled downward, I still went through the motions of being a Christian: going to church, volunteering, being “nice.” But one day, God called me to kneel in worship and stay there—an emotionally and physically painful action. From this position before God, I cried out, asking for forgiveness and a silencing of tormenting dreams. This is the moment things started to drastically change. I awoke to the reality that I’m female, always have been and always will be, a woman designed to love a man. I’m not saying that begging made God change me, but I’m saying that God changed my view of myself and helped me realize exactly who I am.
That Sunday, I went up to the care team and asked for prayer, sobbing, feeling purged and cleansed from the inside out. And I left feeling lighter, now feeling light shining in my thoughts, heart, and soul. From that point, I knew I was part of something greater. I began to read the Bible, seeking God more. He highlighted things that needed to go from my life. As I disconnected with former friends, practices, and mindsets, I experienced the power of God that everyone talks about operating in my personal life. I also started going to a Christian therapist who helped me work through many issues in my life with an eventual result of being able to get off depression and anxiety medications. My friends and church were also there for me, helping me blossom and grow in Christ. I now see more clearly what my life was, what it is, and what it will be.