CARMEN VAUGHT
“This ministry was my place of healing. They loved me every step of the way. This kind of love offered me hope, not just something to numb my pain.”
Life before I pursued change felt out of control. It was a constant battle to find peace in who I was and to prove I was good.
When I started to have feelings for other girls, confusion entered in. I had no safe place to talk about it, and I believed the shame I carried would only grow if I admitted how I was feeling.
Because I was not like other girls and felt rejected by guys I liked, I felt unworthy in my femininity.
In my early 20s I began meeting people in the gay community, and I felt like I finally fit in. This community championed me to come out.
As I ran into the arms of this so-called love, my shame and self-hatred actually grew, and I felt that people in the Church and my family also hated me. I thought that, if my family would just accept my sexuality, then I would be at peace and life would be amazing.
After twelve years of family heartache and separation, they started to express their love and admiration for me and to express their desire for relationship. I knew they didn’t agree with my lifestyle, yet I felt their love for me. I thought I’d be ecstatic about that, but I actually found myself thinking, maybe I don’t accept this life for myself.
Six months later, my girlfriend of three years was cheating on me and moved out. I was miserable. The life I had pursued to find fulfillment left me at rock bottom instead. I was so scared to walk away from that identity because I didn’t know who I was without it.
I finally told God, "I have no idea who I am, but You created me so You’re going to have to tell me."
I decided to go back to church. On my first visit, I noticed an announcement for "a Christ-centered healing and support group for those seeking truth and grace in their sexuality and relationship with God." I attended the first meeting and when it was my turn to share why I was there, all I could say through my tears was "self-worth." This ministry was my place of healing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could share my pain with others. We met for several months, uncovering the wounded places, and they loved me every step of the way, even in my mess. This kind of love offered me hope, not just something to numb my pain.
As I looked to Jesus, my heart changed, and I began to understand who God created me to be. I accepted a relationship with Him, not a set of rules.
Now the internal battle is over, and I can walk in peace in my true identity. I love who I am and that I’m different than a lot of women.
My life now has so much purpose. I get travel around the world and bring hope to others with my story of God's love. His plans are so much better than anything I ever imagined!