JILLIAN CROCE
“The love we are all searching for can only be found in Jesus. He’s the only one who can fill the void in our souls. ”
Growing up, I was pretty sheltered. I had strong connections to my close female friends, but I was also the girl who played football with the boys at recess. To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to nor did I even consider dating anyone until I was in college. Because I knew no one in the LGBT community, I never even imagined I might be gay. Honestly, I was pretty clueless. But when I went away to college, everything changed. My first experiences dating men were disastrous. I felt abused and used, so I turned to alcohol to cope. By senior year, I had a binge drinking problem. That’s when I first kissed a girl (a close friend), and at 21 I came out as a lesbian. At that point in my life, I knew I was more physically and emotionally attracted to women, but my life was a wreck. I drank too much, smoked too many cigarettes, I didn’t eat enough, and I was taking medication for insomnia and bipolar, which made me feel numb. My gut told me that my homosexual lifestyle was wrong, but I suppressed those feelings by telling myself, “Love is love. How could love be wrong?”
This was my story until I was about 25. That’s when my girlfriend-of-the-moment cheated on me, and during the weeks that followed, I became extremely ill. With no health insurance, I was on my own to diagnose my symptoms. To this day, I’m not sure whether my problem was in my kidneys or my liver, but after trying everything to save myself, I finally prayed to God and was miraculously saved! I literally felt like my sins were leading to death, and in that moment, I was born again. I had a newfound desire to search for the truth and find answers on my own. I quit drinking and distanced myself from the gay community in order to think more clearly. God, I realized, had always been there, and I was finally able to hear his voice.
Several months later, after regaining my strength, I received a random phone call asking if I wanted to go to Australia on a work and holiday visa. The opportunity seemed made for me, and I believe it was! God used that year abroad to change me from the inside out. He led me to a church where I received ministry and prayer, and there I felt my stony heart begin to beat again. I also received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, at which point, my sexual desires for women simply disappeared! That was the year I learned to trust the Lord. He protected me from dangers and showed me several miracles.
It’s been five years since I left the gay community behind, and though transformation is still taking place, I feel free… free from sin, free from darkness, full of light and love. To be honest, I’m very happy to remain celibate and solo for now. I don’t feel alone because the Lord is with me. The love we are all searching for can only be found in Jesus. He’s the only one who can fill the void in our souls.