MARIAH KRISTINA BARTON
“One night I heard him whisper that my husband was waiting, and for the first time in my life, I felt a desire for marriage to a man. I prayed the most honest prayer I had ever prayed that night, and God answered. Change was possible! ”
When I reflect on my early life, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to women. I was born in Russia in 1997 and adopted into an American family in 1998. As a child, I was always drawn to the women around me--teachers, friends, even strangers. Then, when I was 10, a friend introduced me to porn for the first time. Already aware of my same-sex attraction, pornography only fueled my lustful desires, leaving me stuck in a trap of guilt, shame, and confusion for the next 13 years. I was completely lost, lonely, and scared. But I hid behind a mask. “Fake it ‘til you make it” was my motto. Even though I grew up in a Christian home and attended church, I didn’t take Jesus seriously. I went along mostly for the social aspects of church; it was just another place to meet girls. But a battle was constantly raging inside my head. The inner turmoil and the unhealthy, codependent relationships I cycled in and out of left me feeling bound, oppressed, and depressed. I hated who I was and who I was becoming, and I hated God. I believed that he had made me this way, so I didn’t understand why he would let me face such intense struggle. Life was so exhausting that at one point I even became suicidal.
Tired of living a double life, I finally came out to my family during Pride Week 2016. Ironically, things in my life began to shift that same month. After I had come out to my family, I travelled to visit a good friend who happened to be on fire for the Lord. She had no idea that I struggled with same-sex attraction, much less that I was “out” as a lesbian. On day two of my trip, she became ill and ended up in the emergency room. All of our plans for the week were cancelled, but God had a better plan. As I watched her Christlike relationship with her boyfriend and began to pour over her collection of Bibles, the Lord began to speak into my heart. One night I heard him whisper that my husband was waiting, and for the first time in my life, I felt a desire for marriage to a man. I prayed the most honest prayer I had ever prayed that night, and God answered. Change was possible! In the year that followed, I felt strong conviction that I was walking down a road that led to nowhere good. Then, in November of 2017, about a year after I had come out to my family, I fully surrendered my life to Christ. Though I was truly now following God, I continued to struggle with same-sex desires until May of 2020. That’s when I experienced a deeper level of deliverance, freedom, and surrender. I’m thankful for mentors and friends who have walked with me and encouraged me along the way. In addition to Christian counseling, books like Gay Girl, Good God by Jackie Hill Perry and Covenant Eyes porn accountability software were instrumental in helping me find lasting freedom. Life is fantastic today! I am living in full freedom and have never felt better. My mind is clear and peaceful, and I am enjoying exploring my femininity. A senior at my university, I speak bold truth in love and share my testimony with everyone I meet. I continue to reach out and involve myself with groups that promote freedom from sexual sin and SSA. In the future I hope to start a ministry to help those who struggle with sexual sin find redemption and healing.