I hated being a woman. I hated everything about it. I was very detached from my emotions. Even as a kid, it felt like I just existed. I wasn’t unhappy. I was a prankster and mischievous, and I loved making people laugh. But always in the back of my mind was a longing to be a boy. I think that’s where the personality came from; I thought it was a boy’s personality.
My hatred for being a woman made me desperate, so I decided I wanted to live as a man. And I did, for 11 years. There was something exciting about being able to date women, and I felt it would make my life complete. I wanted to be free and have all the things I dreamed about come true.
What pulled me out of that lifestyle were women in my life who were married and straight and spoke truth into my life. My pastor and my church were a great help for me in the first five years out. They came alongside me and showed me my lifestyle choices hadn’t really been about my sexuality and were instead rooted in unmet relational needs and brokenness. They helped me become more attached to who I am and my emotions, and I began to embrace who I was as a woman.
I also went to a couple of conferences for transgendered people pursuing wholeness. The men there affirmed me as a woman, and I got to see myself the way God sees me. Over time, I began to realize it wasn’t necessarily about going back to being a woman but returning to how God created me to be.
My life is very full now. I’ve been out of the lifestyle for 25 years. When I think back to those years of living as a man, it feels like a whole other world. I still have the memories, but it seems like I was another person.
I still am a prankster and mischievous, but now I’m also free. Back then, I constantly lived in fear of someone finding out who I was and what would happen to me then. I don’t live in that place anymore. I know who I am, and each new day is something to look forward to instead of trudge through. I now value being genuine instead of trying to hide all the time. Growing up, I was so afraid I would be rejected if I showed any emotion or anything about who I was. That was scary. Now, that’s not true. Here I am; this is what you get.
I got healed from so much rejection. And I understand now I’m a good person. I know I’m loved, and I find great value in life. I can’t say I felt that way before. I have a confidence in who I am now and that I have value. I may not get it right all the time, but what I have to offer is good.