KATHYGRACE DUNCAN
“Because my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom, I believed that women were hated, vulnerable, and weak.”
From the time I was three years old, I felt and believed that I was born into the wrong body. What I saw in the mirror didn’t match what I felt to be true. Life within a dysfunctional family only exacerbated my feelings. Because my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom, I believed that women were hated, vulnerable, and weak. When I was seven, my brother’s entrance into the world was enthusiastically celebrated, cementing the lie that boys were more worthy of affirmation than girls. Then around the age of eight, I found an article about a woman living as a man; I felt excited to learn that this was possible! However, before I had the opportunity to even explore my options, I was molested by a family member. I was only 10 years old when the sexual abuse began, and it continued until I was 12. That painful experience further reinforced my feelings of weakness and vulnerability. Desperate to escape my circumstances and embrace my true self, I finally moved out of the house when I was 19, changed my name, and began to take hormones to look like a man. Eventually, I had top surgery.
For the most part, I liked living life as a “transgender man.” But I was also detached from my emotions. Determined to have a normal life, I worked really hard at maintaining my false identity. Things began to unravel a bit, however, when I broke up with a woman whom I had been dating for about five years. I quickly rebounded and jumped into another relationship, during which I developed a deep addiction to pornography. We had been together for only a year when I realized that I had become just as abusive and controlling as my dad, and the woman I was dating was as weak as my mom. Realizing it wouldn’t work, I ended the relationship. What happened next would change my destiny.
Ironically, in the weeks after I had begun my efforts to live life like a man, I had attended a church and accepted Jesus as my savior, only to be discovered and kicked out of that fellowship. Years later, I was attending a different church. I had gotten involved in the orchestra, and on my way to practice one evening, I actually heard God’s audible voice questioning me: “Will you now? Will you now?” In that moment, I took an inventory of my life and saw nothing to hinder me. “Yes, Lord,” I replied, “I will.” Supernaturally, I was delivered from my addiction to pornography that night. Convinced of God’s love for me, I earnestly sought the Lord for the next four years while still living as a man. Then, one day at church, I was confronted by one of the pastors. I confessed, “I am a woman living as a man.” At that point of confession, I felt the wind of the Lord blow intensely into me. It was as if He was right in my face, blowing my hair back. I suddenly knew deep in my spirit I had to go back to being the woman He created me to be.
My journey back to the truth of who I was began that day. I was 30 years old. Instead of therapy or counseling, I began to explore my identity issues with the help of the Lord—via loving mentors He brought into my life prayer and the Bible. As I began to discover who I was in God’s eyes, change gradually began to take place. Working through issues of forgiveness has been a key part of my story. One of the hardest, most significant things I did during this process was to forgive my Dad. The deep healing that I experienced as I confronted the painful memories and the hurtful words I had absorbed was worth it. Though my life was somewhat stable when I lived as a transgender man, I began to recognize how the lack of affirmation and love had led me to live in a constant state of fear and rejection.
It took five years for the effects of the hormones to wear off and for me to come to a place where I could begin to live as a woman again. Though fully restored on the inside, I still live with some of the impact of the hormones on my body. My voice remains slightly deeper, and I struggle with some hair loss. Fortunately, I did have breast reconstruction, and today I am very content with who I am. I understand that I am fiercely loved by Jesus. I can feel and express emotions unhindered by the fear of rejection. Sometimes I wonder if someone in my life had just loved me, shown me that they wanted me, and had given me the truth without condemnation or judgment if my story would look different. That is why my heart’s desire is to continue to bring hope to those who are hurting and desire change and why I also lead ministry within Portland Fellowship and CHANGED Movement. Above all else, I want to share truth. My hope is to work full-time with youth (or others) who identify as transgender, and who long for a restored life.
CHANGED Movement
changedmovement.com