APRIL LOCKHART
“I watched personal testimonies on YouTube of many other ex-gays who talked about their journey. If they had found genuine transformation, then I could too.”
My former life looked flashy and full of fun—lots of sex, alcohol and crazy partying. But I was just trying to distract myself from my own misery. I longed for stability and a relationship that would last. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. There were times that felt good, but there were also a lot of lows. I experienced so much anxiety and depression that I began to believe those feelings were a part of me.
I was gay as far back as I can remember. I had no desire for male companionship because the opposite sex was repulsive to me. Just to make sure I was really gay, I dated two guys, and honestly, men were of no interest to me. Relationship with them felt forced and awkward.
Even when I found the girl of my dreams who was perfect in every way, I was so unhappy in that relationship. There was always something missing, but I could never figure out what it was. No matter what I did or had, I couldn’t fill this longing. I was never happy or satisfied, and my depression and anxiety escalated to serious panic attacks.
I began planning my own suicide. I didn’t want to break my mother’s heart, so I planned it to look like an accident. I tried twice but failed both times.
Fast forward to today. My life is the polar opposite of what it was before. I’m 100% free of the emotional roller coaster and have no desire to engage in same-sex relations. I married an absolutely incredible man and have two boys. They are my constant reminders of how good God is to me and how he pulled me out. I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety and I’m not on a constant search to fulfill an inner need. My once heavy heart now feels light. Some days I cry tears of joy because I still don’t understand how someone like me could have all this.
Everything began to change for me when I decided I didn’t want to be homosexual anymore, although it was a process. I read books that encouraged me and joined a small group Bible study that let me be open, share my struggle, and have access to encouragement. I read my Bible constantly and implemented its principles in my life. I personally did not know of any other gay people like me that I could partner with, so I watched personal testimonies on YouTube of many other ex-gays who were coming out to talk about their journey. I found it extremely helpful to see how others had experienced change in their sexual desires. It was like a candle of hope held up for me when I grew weak. If they had found genuine transformation, then I could, too. I did. And it was the best choice I ever made.