TAMIKA CLOE
“Though I once scorned the church, today, I’d die for her.”
I stumbled upon my father’s pornographic magazines for the first time when I was only 8 years old,
and as I took in those images, my expectations of womanhood, unbeknownst to me, became twisted.
The innocence behind my need to be seen and known and to connect relationally also became quite
skewed. When I was later molested at age 10, I experienced an additional level of guilt, shame, and
condemnation. Being female suddenly felt like a curse. Neither men, nor family, felt safe. This
perfect storm that had become my life eventually led to the development of my transgender desires
and same-sex attractions.
By age fifteen, I honestly believed I was born gay. Despite my internal conflict, I gave my life to the
Lord at age 17 in a little country church in Indiana. I had hoped when I was baptized, all of my same-
sex attractions would be washed away. But despite knowing I’d been forgiven, I still had too many
unhealed heart wounds that compounded my struggle with sin. Though I grew in Biblical literacy, I
didn’t allow Jesus to truly transform me. In university, I joined a Christian campus ministry, leading
others to Jesus while continuing to rebel sexually. Eventually, however, I turned my back on the
Christians who cared about me, and embraced witchcraft and the LGBT community.
Not long after leaving university, I encountered my first transgender man, who referred me to a
counselor who advocated for those transitioning. Believing this to be the answer, I began to transition
in 2017 when I was 22. After six months on hormones, I legally changed my name and gender
marker. Subconsciously, I was becoming the man I needed: a protector, provider, and leader, and I
lived with this identity for seven long years. Consequently, I turned even further away from my
Christian roots, diving deeper into witchcraft and aligning with The Satanic Temple. I pursued
financial and social advancement through nude modeling and elite connections and was eventually
drawn into exploitative relationships masked as opportunity. Isolated and manipulated, I became
entangled in sex trafficking dynamics that would later require legal intervention and NDAs to exit.
Thankfully, in 2021 my life, again, took a dramatic turn. While in Los Angeles, I had what can only
be called my own “Damascus Road” experience. In this encounter, Jesus actually spoke to me and
said, “Don’t you know I will never leave you nor forsake you? Stop denying the calling I’ve placed
on your life. Trust my people; they will help you.”
Startled and overwhelmed by conviction and love, this supernatural event ushered in the true
transformation, repentance, and peace for which I’d been searching my whole life. Almost
overnight, I abandoned the life I had built, carefully cutting ties with my handlers, witches and
Satanists, and all of my mistresses, clients, and adult industry connections.
In solitude with Jesus, I shed all media for nine months to dig into Scripture. The comfort I sought
via women I was now finding in the Holy Spirit’s embrace. During the months that followed, He
healed the heart wounds that led to my sin struggles, and by 2023, I had regained my legal name and
gender. I’m very thankful for Portland Fellowship, which offered community when much of the
church appeared dismissive and distant. Many other faithful Christian friends and mentors have
endured the trenches with me these past several years. Though I once scorned the church, today, I’d
die for her.