CECIL JACKMAN
“I’m indebted to the programs and counselors that helped me get my life back.”
I was raised in church through the end of middle school. Growing up, I bonded with girls more than boys. My grandma was also my biggest love. I didn’t bond with my dad. He was a workaholic and abusive both verbally and physically.
I was sexually abused from a young age, raped at age four by my babysitter in the bathtub. I felt that if I had been a girl, she wouldn’t have done that to me. At school, my third grade teacher’s aide told the entire class I was a homosexual and explained in detail what that meant. My nickname became Cecil the Homo through the eighth grade. In eighth grade, I was fondled by my male teacher. Not being good at sports involving a ball, I was constantly made fun of in gym class, which further ostracized me from boys my age.
In college, I became a frequent at the adult bookstore. I became addicted to hardcore gay porn and masturbation, though I had no relations until I was 26.
I decided I would be a good, celibate, gay Christian man. I decided to work as hard as I could for God so he’d free me. But change never happened. So after a couple of years of serving in every ministry I could find, I became convinced God hated me.
At 26, I ran into a gay cousin I hadn’t seen in years. The next night, we went to a gay bar. I felt free. I was with guys like me. But while I sat there having a beer, I felt like God said, ”What are you doing here?” So I stood up, told my cousin I had to go home, and left. The next week, I felt that same conviction to leave, but this time I drank my beer, partied and had sex with another man.
I had only technically come out for two months, but I hit bottom fast. One night when I was driving home from a night of gay clubbing, I realized I wasn't feeling the sense of connection to God anymore. It left me feeling alone and empty. I was desperate and put myself into a rehab program in New York. The pastor there said he could help me..
It wasn’t an easy process, and I wanted to quit at times. But I was at my end and determined to press forward. I met with a counselor every day. We worked through different things like forgiveness. It was difficult, but I eventually felt much freer. I also roomed with two heterosexual men and bonded with men in a healthy way for the first time in my life.
The change wasn’t overnight, but it was continual. Seven years later, I married a woman named Christine. Today, we are blessed to have three kids and two grandkids.
I’m indebted to the programs and counselors that helped me get my life back. After the trauma and despair, I never imagined I could feel this much hope about the future.