TAMMY WEBB-WITHOLT
“Suddenly, while praying, I became aware of my own desperate need for life and love. This was the beginning of my transformation and return to Christ. As I took a baby step toward him, he took a giant step toward me…”
By the time I was four, I knew I wanted to be a boy. I thought women were weak, and though boys were jerks, they were strong. When I was about 14, I realized I had a crush on my best friend. Though I suppressed those feelings, they continued with each consecutive best friend until my first year of college when things came to a head: I was unable to engage emotionally with my boyfriend, yet I was obsessed with my best friend. Still in denial, I went on a very wild journey for about four years trying to deny my “scary” attractions. Raised by missionary preachers, I knew what the Bible said about homosexuality, and I’d even been called to ministry when I was 18. Still, I couldn’t reconcile my lifetime of feelings with what I saw in scripture, so ministry seemed out of the question. Weary of fighting my feelings, at age 21, I embraced lesbianism as my identity, and for the next 9 years, I lived as an openly gay woman.
During this time, I thought I'd found the person with whom I would finally settle down. In contrast to past relationships, we both had stable jobs and lives. One night, however, I drank too much to drive safely back to the apartment we shared. I slept it off in the basement of a house where an ex-lover lived. The misunderstanding the following day led to a difficult break-up. Sometime after, I began to frequent old hang-outs in search of friends and perhaps even a new love. Amid these parties and get-togethers, I became aware of an acquaintance who was fighting AIDS. A gifted artist, he was spending all of his money on medication and his time in pursuit of love. His situation became difficult to watch. I knew he needed prayer and the love of God, but I felt unqualified to intercede. Then one morning in the wee hours following a party, I risked saying a prayer for my friend: “God, I can’t change my desires,” I prayed. “I’m only coming to you for the sake of my friend.” As I continued, I was led to repent. "I know you don't accept me as I am,” I said, “but I also know you're holy, and that's the only reason I'm repenting…so I can come into your presence and ask for help for my friend." Suddenly while praying, I became aware of my own desperate need for life and love. This was the beginning of my transformation and return to Christ. As I took a baby step toward him, he took a giant step toward me, and at age 30, overwhelmed by God’s love, I surrendered all of myself to him. In truth, I fell in love with Jesus and stayed in love. After that decision, everything seemed new again. Though I faced difficult days of loneliness, temptation, and failure, I did not fall under condemnation, but, rather, I fell at the feet of Jesus and asked for forgiveness and renewed strength.
After my return to Christ, I lived contentedly for many years as a single minister and missionary before God called me to trust him and start dating a male friend who eventually became my husband. That was twenty years ago this year. Growing in a relationship of trust and deeper intimacy with my husband and God has been incredible. Seeing God's amazing plan of joining masculine and feminine into one union as we celebrate each other’s differences and strengths has been transformative, to say the least. When I was living in darkness, I could never have imagined all that God had planned for me. The years of struggle were worth it all.
Beyond the Silence, Inc: www.beyondthesilence.org