RONALD McCRAY
“Today, I feel like a new man. The manhood I saw demonstrated by Jesus was a version that I could connect with and in submitting my life to Him, I have adopted His manhood.”
When I first explored life as a gay-identified man, at the age of 16, it was everything I thought I wanted. I was looking for love, acceptance and a sense of belonging. The gay community connected me with people with whom I could relate. It seemed no one understood my experience of being attracted to the same sex- not my family, heterosexual friends, or the Church - but the LGBT+ community did. So there was a degree of fulfillment I experienced. Yet, at the same time there was a gaping void in my heart that continually expanded. The sex, relationships, and all "The Life" had to offer couldn't fill it. I always felt like something was missing. I was raised in the Church and was familiar with what the word of God said about the way in which I lived my life. That awareness brought about a continual conviction. I was constantly at war in my faith and my sexuality. My boyfriends were confident that God was okay with what we were doing. But why didn't I have joy? Why did it feel like God was so far away? I knew the only means to true joy was Jesus Christ.
I felt lost. I felt empty. I felt hopeless and far from God. I felt like I was beyond redemption. I felt same-sex relationships were not the answer to the void in my heart. I believe I remember the first time I heard the voice of the LORD. I was drunk at a gay night club in Baltimore, MD. I heard a voice whisper "I have so much better for you." The voice spoke to me again on the way home. God began to speak to me through different people about His great love for me. I was convinced I was beyond redemption. But I was wrong. Jesus loved me more than any man ever could. My gay roommate at the time had been praying for me unbeknownst to me. He prayed that God would deliver me from the life he and I lived. On October 18th, 2009, I was born again. That was the day I truly repented of my sins and God filled me with the precious gift of the Holy Ghost (Acts 1:8, Acts 2:38). That day marked a turning point in my life and I haven't been the same person since. The new birth experience has made me into a new creature.
My transformation has been a journey over the span of my walk with Christ. I came to the realization that my sexuality was only one area of my life that needed changing. I haven't been with a man since I've given my life to Jesus. However, there were many areas of my life that needed God's intervention - like healing from sexual and emotional trauma (i.e. - molestation, rape, rejection, etc.) Inviting God into my emotional memory has brought me healing with regard to same-sex attraction.
Today, I feel like a new man. The manhood I saw demonstrated by Jesus was a version that I could connect with and in submitting my life to Him, I have adopted His manhood. My church has been an environment wherein I could see other godly men serving God, loving their families, and being leaders of their communities, etc. Being in the environment of the church gave me examples of men whom I could pattern myself after to an extent. God has taught me what it means to be a man, a father, and husband.
My journey of healing and transformation has certainly been progressive. But today my life looks far from what I ever imagined it could be. I am a husband. I'm a father. I'm a minister of the gospel. And for once, I can say I have found true joy. When I hold my son in my arms, I cry. When I look into my wife's eyes, I am reminded of the goodness of God. Because if it weren't for Him I would not have this new life. I feel confident in who I was created to be. That reality grounds me, and brings me great fulfillment in life. I would not trade my relationship with Jesus for anything the world can offer me.
Learn more about Ronald and his Ministry at www.gmsam.org and www.ronaldjmccray.com